It is well with my soul....

I said I wouldn't blog again....but you must know that if I am blogging I am okay.  We got the phone call yesterday to come home that it wouldn't be long...her breathing is sporadic mixed with apneas and then regular but shallow breathing that comes and goes.  It's odd...when one of the grandkids are in the room, she breathes much better.  Through the night, we stayed by her side..at one point in time, her sisters were all laying in bed with her sleeping just like the slept when they were growing up.  We spent the night remembering and sharing stories...watched the sun come up, saw a wild turkey and tons of birds. This afternoon has been spent by her bedside..working on the computer.  She is so peaceful. I keep thinking that one of these times I will look over and she won't be breathing...ah, to go that peaceful.  In the midst of all of this, however, my uncle who is down here with all of the family passed away unexpectedly.  He is my mom's sister's husband, Paul.  He was at grandma's house about a mile from here.  We are not letting mom know but arrangments for him are going on as we speak.  Life is short, quick and unpredictable so share your love with those around you, speak quickly but kindly.  In all honestly, if I walked in and didn't know what was going on...I would think she was just sleeping....  She has spent the last several days surrounded by those she loved most her family....her siblings have been a Godsend.  Every morning, Judy would come in after work and lay with her and sleep until the afternoon and then Della would come in the afternoon and they would trade places and Della would talk with her.  She looked so forward to them coming.  I know she loves us but she especially loves her family.  I hate to see her go...but know it would have killed her to see anything happen to her siblings.....she wouldn't have traded places for a minute.  It was hard so hard on her when they lost Dean.  Slaton knows more than I think he does.  He runs in and hugs her and says, I won't hurt her I just want to hug her...so she's getting slaton loves even now.  Thanks again for the prayers. 

Still not better.......

Basically, today was a repeat of yesterday except to be told by two surgeons that the surgery was not possible and mom is not a candidate for alternative therapies because she has a poor prognosis... (we will have a poor prognosis without something...)  Her doctor will speak with the radiologists tomorrow to see if they would consider inserting a feeding tube but is highly doubtful due to the proximity of the area needed for insertion and her pancreas...there is also the thought of possibly going to angiography to try to stop the bleeding.  again....doubtful..but possibly.  Evidently, tomorrow there will be a big pow-wow of all of her care team to determine the next step...her doctor has said that if one team says no, then we go to the next and the next....I'm saying we are running out of time.  Mom has decided that if we don't get anything in the form of progressive news tomorrow or Tuesday...we go home.  Her doctor is aware of this.  Her hemoglobin is still dropping so she's still bleeding and they will not do anymore chemo if we can't get nutrition in her.  It has been asked if she is hungry or starving (especially for those who know my mom)...and weirdly, no, she doesn't seem to want any food.  Every now and then she will drink grape juice or eat an orange popsicle but that's it.  You would think she would be starving to death...I think it is the combination of the cancer, her pain medication and the progression of the disease. 

Google gastric cancer and see what you can find.  Bobby and I have researched every thing that we can get our hands on in hopes of finding something...anything....and the answers are all the same.  If the patient has mets to their liver and lymph nodes or anywhere outside of the stomach, typical survival is 2 months.  Mom has had this for awhile and was battling the end stages probably before we even knew she had cancer.  I try to look on the bright side (if there is one) and that at least we have time...at least we have been able to spend time together...all of us as a family..it has been over 20 years since we have gotten to do that.  And even though it has been wretched, it has been nice to be with my family.  Granted, I would rather everyone be healthy but we wouldn't have done this if we were healthy!  I cry endlessly some days.  I can't think about the kids and how they will miss her.  How Slaton won't get to grow up with his Nanna...He loves her so very, very much!  I have promised her that I won't let him forget her and we won't...but it won't be the same...not at all.  She was and has been such a constant in his life.........

Impending doom.....

Couldn't blog last night....news isn't good....not good at all.  The surgeons believe that any surgery is too risky...when you are in the hospital of all hospitals that take risks and they say its too risky...you are in a bad spot.  We are waiting today to see her primary doctor to see if/what options there are...I am fearful they are few.  Her hemoglobin is dropping basically 1 point every two days...this means the cancer/ulcers in her stomach are bleeding more freely.   There is not a way to stop the bleeding.  Radiation has come up as a wild card try but we have yet to talk with anyone.  She's not in any pain.  They have pain meds, good ones for her and IV fluids to keep her hydrated.  She knows how bad it is....I'm not sure if she wants to go home or not....Frankly, I am not sure if I could even get her home at this point without her crashing on the way or being in severe pain...but if that's what she would want to do...we would prepare the best we could and take off.  She hasn't eaten anything in a week and doesn't seem to want to.  With the obstruction, this is probably best. 

It's incredible (in a bad way) to think how far we've come since March 25th.  Alittle of six weeks, not only have we had to accept that she has cancer but we've also had to accept that she will die from this cancer and die sooner than later.  We have literally tried everything that we can but the doors keep closing everywhere. Her blood is very thick because she's been  taken off of coumadin to try to keep her from bleeding so the chances of a stroke are grim.  Now we wait and see.