It is well with my soul....

I said I wouldn't blog again....but you must know that if I am blogging I am okay.  We got the phone call yesterday to come home that it wouldn't be long...her breathing is sporadic mixed with apneas and then regular but shallow breathing that comes and goes.  It's odd...when one of the grandkids are in the room, she breathes much better.  Through the night, we stayed by her side..at one point in time, her sisters were all laying in bed with her sleeping just like the slept when they were growing up.  We spent the night remembering and sharing stories...watched the sun come up, saw a wild turkey and tons of birds. This afternoon has been spent by her bedside..working on the computer.  She is so peaceful. I keep thinking that one of these times I will look over and she won't be breathing...ah, to go that peaceful.  In the midst of all of this, however, my uncle who is down here with all of the family passed away unexpectedly.  He is my mom's sister's husband, Paul.  He was at grandma's house about a mile from here.  We are not letting mom know but arrangments for him are going on as we speak.  Life is short, quick and unpredictable so share your love with those around you, speak quickly but kindly.  In all honestly, if I walked in and didn't know what was going on...I would think she was just sleeping....  She has spent the last several days surrounded by those she loved most her family....her siblings have been a Godsend.  Every morning, Judy would come in after work and lay with her and sleep until the afternoon and then Della would come in the afternoon and they would trade places and Della would talk with her.  She looked so forward to them coming.  I know she loves us but she especially loves her family.  I hate to see her go...but know it would have killed her to see anything happen to her siblings.....she wouldn't have traded places for a minute.  It was hard so hard on her when they lost Dean.  Slaton knows more than I think he does.  He runs in and hugs her and says, I won't hurt her I just want to hug her...so she's getting slaton loves even now.  Thanks again for the prayers. 

Still not better.......

Basically, today was a repeat of yesterday except to be told by two surgeons that the surgery was not possible and mom is not a candidate for alternative therapies because she has a poor prognosis... (we will have a poor prognosis without something...)  Her doctor will speak with the radiologists tomorrow to see if they would consider inserting a feeding tube but is highly doubtful due to the proximity of the area needed for insertion and her pancreas...there is also the thought of possibly going to angiography to try to stop the bleeding.  again....doubtful..but possibly.  Evidently, tomorrow there will be a big pow-wow of all of her care team to determine the next step...her doctor has said that if one team says no, then we go to the next and the next....I'm saying we are running out of time.  Mom has decided that if we don't get anything in the form of progressive news tomorrow or Tuesday...we go home.  Her doctor is aware of this.  Her hemoglobin is still dropping so she's still bleeding and they will not do anymore chemo if we can't get nutrition in her.  It has been asked if she is hungry or starving (especially for those who know my mom)...and weirdly, no, she doesn't seem to want any food.  Every now and then she will drink grape juice or eat an orange popsicle but that's it.  You would think she would be starving to death...I think it is the combination of the cancer, her pain medication and the progression of the disease. 

Google gastric cancer and see what you can find.  Bobby and I have researched every thing that we can get our hands on in hopes of finding something...anything....and the answers are all the same.  If the patient has mets to their liver and lymph nodes or anywhere outside of the stomach, typical survival is 2 months.  Mom has had this for awhile and was battling the end stages probably before we even knew she had cancer.  I try to look on the bright side (if there is one) and that at least we have time...at least we have been able to spend time together...all of us as a family..it has been over 20 years since we have gotten to do that.  And even though it has been wretched, it has been nice to be with my family.  Granted, I would rather everyone be healthy but we wouldn't have done this if we were healthy!  I cry endlessly some days.  I can't think about the kids and how they will miss her.  How Slaton won't get to grow up with his Nanna...He loves her so very, very much!  I have promised her that I won't let him forget her and we won't...but it won't be the same...not at all.  She was and has been such a constant in his life.........

Impending doom.....

Couldn't blog last night....news isn't good....not good at all.  The surgeons believe that any surgery is too risky...when you are in the hospital of all hospitals that take risks and they say its too risky...you are in a bad spot.  We are waiting today to see her primary doctor to see if/what options there are...I am fearful they are few.  Her hemoglobin is dropping basically 1 point every two days...this means the cancer/ulcers in her stomach are bleeding more freely.   There is not a way to stop the bleeding.  Radiation has come up as a wild card try but we have yet to talk with anyone.  She's not in any pain.  They have pain meds, good ones for her and IV fluids to keep her hydrated.  She knows how bad it is....I'm not sure if she wants to go home or not....Frankly, I am not sure if I could even get her home at this point without her crashing on the way or being in severe pain...but if that's what she would want to do...we would prepare the best we could and take off.  She hasn't eaten anything in a week and doesn't seem to want to.  With the obstruction, this is probably best. 

It's incredible (in a bad way) to think how far we've come since March 25th.  Alittle of six weeks, not only have we had to accept that she has cancer but we've also had to accept that she will die from this cancer and die sooner than later.  We have literally tried everything that we can but the doors keep closing everywhere. Her blood is very thick because she's been  taken off of coumadin to try to keep her from bleeding so the chances of a stroke are grim.  Now we wait and see. 

Gloom...

Thanks for all of the encouragement regarding the blog..yes, it probably is very theraputic for me...Be thankful that it doesn't automatically write down my thougths and feelings of the day or it would be quite the jumbled mess....  basically, it is composed of a summary of the day, and if it ends on a good note..it has a good vibe...if it ends on a bad note...a bad vibe.

Well, tonight, when Bobby and I had gone back to the apartment to shower for the night, we got another call from dad saying they had just talked to a doctor and they were concerned about putting in the feeding tube...the last treatment option we were told about...but since her hemoglobin was steadily decreasing..she was actively still bleeding from the cancer in her stomach.  So, while they could put in the feeding tube, there would still be bleeding coming up higher....so, they are going back to the drawing board.  We were called back since the attending would either come back in tonight or tomorrow morning.  (I had actually woke Bobby up and said let's go back around 4:00.  But I called dad and he said mom was better and the doctor had said the feeding tube would happen later in the week.  So we didn't go...and then around 7 we get the call that the GI docs have come in and there is a problem...so we are all waiting to talk with them to find out what the options are now.  It doesn't look good but it didn't look good in the beginning, did it?  When you start off bad....you just stay in various levels of bad.

On a good note, today was my 40th B-day and mom actually got dressed and went down to the cafeteria to eat lunch with us.  She was on a liquids only diet so she had grape juice.  She looked good and we stayed down there for about an hour before the pain got too bad.  Some have said, what a horrible way to spend your birthday, but there is no place that I would rather spend it than with my mom.

I'll post again as soon as we find out the next rabbit they are going to pull out of their hat.

Friday, April 29th

I couldn't think of an appropriate title...My brother has nicknamed this blog as doom and gloom...we are on a rollarcoaster ride and the ups are gloom and the lows are doom...today was an in-between.  Mom had been scheduled for the stent at 3:00 pm. However, the nurse came in and said she could eat if she wanted it had been canceled.....Dr. George her doctor at the hospital came in and said that the cancer and ulcer around the cancer was right in the place where the stent needs to go.  Without the stent or a way for her to get nutition...she can't survive long....so they are meeting this weekend to figure out a plan..either another way or the next option will be to put in a feeding tube.  The tube would allow her to receive nutriants, meds and resume chemo.  Her pain is coming back...we need to start chemo again.  Mom said on Friday that she didn't want to have a feeding tube so today I wasn't sure what would happen..she responded that while she'd like the stent, she'd take the feeding tube if that was the next plan.  Since most cancer victims die from malnutrition....the feeding tube might buy us the most time.  The plan would be to have the feeding tube utilize chemo and then shrink the tumors so  eventually they can be removed...again a long shot...but at least we have a shot still. 

Bobby tells me that some of you will stop reading this or will become numb to the "doom and gloom" and maybe you will but I am trying to write it to best capture what is happening here.  This has been one of the biggest craziest ride we've ever had....The kids are all back home and Travis is doing an amazing job with them..however, Slaton says he can't find me....they will be coming to visit and him to stay in May.  It's amazing how God has orchestrated all of this. 

Please keep her in your prayers.  Your cards and  pictures brighten her day so much.  I usually go and get the mail in the evening and every night, we read through the cards that she receives. 

Next Step

At this time, we will continue here.  They are going to attemp to put a stent in to open up the obstruction at 3:00.  This is supposed to be an easy procedure.....  after that, they will continue chemo as long as it makes mom feel better.  They are hopeful that the stent will allow her to eat again.....we shall see.

And Reality Hits, Again....

For those who have been following, you will know that when I don't post...things aren't going well....things are not well.  Mom has been throwing up almost constantly, has difficulty still having a bowel movement and has a hemoglobin that keeps decreasing in light of repeat transfusions....so they wanted to do another scope to look at her stomach but they couldn't do that until they did a nuc med stress test on her heart which she passed with flying colors...the scope was another story.   Bobby and I had went to the store to get some things tht mom wanted and received two phone calls telling us to come back to the hospital immediately.  We were terrified thta she hadn't made made it through the procedure. Thankfully, LaDella and Ronnie are here and were with dad (otherwise we wouldn't have left him).  But when they got in to do the scope they found that its bad.  Now, we all knew before we came here that it was bad.  But somehow, hearing it in a place where bad everywhere else isn't so bad, makes it even worse.  It is worse than it was, she know has gastric outlet obstruction where her stomach and small bowel come together.  I think this is also the first time dad has really realized what we are dealing with.  What we are really facing.  Yes, we would all love to see her beat this or even survive a year or two...but the reality is grim....extremely grim.  A team of her primary doctors are meeting today to decide what can be done....they can put a stent in which will buy time, they would even continue chemo which might buy more time.  But she's really sick and truthfully quite far in the disease process.......so this is where we are.  Alot of questions will be asked today.  Pray that we make the right decisions, pray that mom has comfort and peace.  I am so thankful that Bobby and I can be with her.  So thankful that I didn't go home.  But so dread what lies ahead.

A better day...Actually a Camp Wakonda Day!

(For those who know the movie Indian Summer...)  Mom had a good day today.  She so needed that after the craziness of yesterday.  She is determined to get her next chemo treatment!  I think that is what motivated her.  Dr. Anjani stopped by to visit (which I guess he rarely does) and said he couldn't believe how incredible she looks!  And then she threw up this evening.....but like I told her, we take the bad with the good.  Don't focus on the bad as the outcome of the day!!!  Still in the hospital.  Will probably be in until Thursday or Friday.  Next chemo on Monday.  For our praying friends and family, she's having a difficult time with her heart rate.  It keeps staying way up there...pray it will be controlled.

You know, I walked out of the hospital today and realized that there are people all around me with various signs of cancer.  Some have lost their hair, some with deformities from the disease, some barely holding on...It amazes me that I didn't see them when we first arrived.  Bobby and I talked about how everyone looked so healthy, so energetic, so full of life....but they all couldn't have.  I think that we saw what we needed to see. HOPE.  We needed to see life.  We were blinded from the reminders of the disease...but I see it now.  I have a friend who said being here would be hard on me....she's right... This is the mecca for cancer, people travel from miles to be here, to try to find exactly what we are trying to find...more time.  Maybe just one more day than we had, maybe a week, a month or even 12 years...time. 

Where do I start????

I do not want to blog today.  In fact, Bobby had asked if I had posted an update and I said what I always say with bad days....I don't want them to be in print.  But here we go, last night, she did great...we actually had a slumber party of sorts.  They had given her a pill to make her go to the bathroom (number 1 for those inquisitive minds..) so every half hour until about 2 am she had to go to the bathroom.  She was actually getting so good at being around that she was wanting me to teach her how to unplug herself so she wouldn't have to bother me working..not that she was bothering me...but she was up and going.  Around 2 she went to sleep and when she woke up she felt awful, just awful.  She said that she wanted to go walk around the nurses station but we should wait until she felt better.  Her blood pressure was high even for mom and her heart rate was bouncing up and down.  She got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom and the 3rd time, Lilly, her favorite nurse so far, was in with her because I was ordering mom's breakfast..it was about 10 and she thought she should eat.  I turn and see mom hightailing it to her bed dragging her IV pole behind her and then it at first looked like she was having a seizure.  I grabbed her in the front and Lilly in the back and Lilly started yelling for more help.  I'm sure this was only a few minutes but time literally stood still...I was concentrating on holding mom up when the nurse yelled to call a code blue..This is when I snapped into reality and said "is she not breathing?"  I felt for a pulse which she had and I told her to breathe, mom, breathe and slapped her on the cheek...not hard but enough to bring her out of it.  We lifted her to the bed and she was confused as to what had happened.  She remembers that she felt like she was going to faint and she was trying to get to the bed as quick as possible...I tried to explain the lack of logic to her thought process...hello!!!  The next thing that she remembered was seeing my face.....(Kind of reminds me of the promise when we die that we will see Christ face to face...)  They are thinking that her hemoglobin is lower than it should be probably due to the chemo..she has gotten plasma and a blood transfusion.  She's on a halter monitor for her heart and they have mixed up her meds a bit to make them alittle more tolerable.  There is alittle blood in her stool but they are thinking that is from the ulcer surrounding the cancer.  She still has very little pain so the chemo worked well there....needless to say, we were not expectin this.  With chemo, I was expecting her maybe to loose her hair, be nausea and sick but not this. ..not this at all.  The only good news about this is that she is getting  hydrated beyond belief and that should set her up well for the next treatment. She's come out fighting on this one.  It's almost like she needed as much opposition as possible and then she would fight hard!  Thanks for the prayers, cards and phone calls. 

I will be leaving on Wednesday to go back home in order to finish up the semester at the college.  I will be flying back and forth until summer...so Bobby will be posting also....we shall see how he does!

Easter Sunday

Still in the hospital.  Will see a cardiologist in the morning.  She had a rough, very rough morning but got better throughout the afternoon.  I will be flying home on Wednesday and will be home  through the following Friday...pray that she is better before I leave...not sure if I can leave her.  I stay up during the night as she sleeps, and while I work, i just watch her sleep...I can't seem to spend enough time with her...We are always told that we should live each day as if it is your last.....it changes your whole outlook..you hold people you love closer.

Having a Difficult Time Posting.....

I knew it would happen....when things get unsettling...I do not want to journal, blog, put it in print.....  She is still in the hospital.  I have been bringing everyone's cards up here so please keep sending them.  It really makes her day!  She has been looking at them over and over again since I brought them about an hour ago.  Thank you. 

We seem to be in a holding pattern...they are going to move her to the cardiac floor to monitor her heart. This morning the doctor mentioned putting in a feeding tube.  Evidently what is happinging is her coumadin to thin her blood for atrial fibullation (prevent her from having a stroke) seems to be too potent now that she isn't eating hardly anything....so they are wanting to put her on asprin but they have to get her blood levels back to normal.  This is what earned us a trip to the ER. 

What they are realizing (which is what we have known) is that she isn't eating and when she does eat she throws up so the meds that she must take orally aren't getting where they need to go and this is effecting her blood pressure and such.  So the easy fix is to put in a feeding tube and give her all of her nutriants and meds this way to support her through this first section of chemo.  Easy but I'd like to see what we can do before we do that...However, that was this morning...as of tonight, she has eaten 4 teaspoons of chicken broth, 5 bites of orange jello and that's it.  She just won't eat.  So really, the feeding tube may become a reality.  We all know how stubborn she can be....she just won't do it.  We had a very frank conversation tonight about the feeding tube and she got upset with me for saying it but like I said...you are being observed for for how well you are or aren't eating.....if you don't eat, they will insist on a feeding tube to continue treatments.    She says the same phrases that Grandma Nancy used to say, though...she'll do it in a minute, she'll have some later and she always tells me what she has eaten.

But her personality is still actually peaceful.  I'm not sure how or why but she is actually taking this extremely well.  Thanks again for the support and prayers.  I had hoped for the whole family to be on church tomorrow but that's not going to happen.  Thankfully our God is not bound by walls in a building......

Back in the ER...Admitted to Hospital

For a hospital that treats primarily in an outpatient setting...we have stayed several nights within!!!!  Mom had an appointment this afternoon with her internal medicine physician.  It was an initial visit so we all thought we would be in and out...well, her INR (coumadin-blood thinner related meds) was elevated past the point that the would let her go home...it was straight to an ER room.  She was also having some major behavioral issues...those who have talked to her over the past 3 days know what I am talking about.  I kept explaining to the doctor, nurse, etc...she's friendlier, nicer, more talkative.  You know, if you know my mom that this isn't really her!  Seriously, anyway, we found out that it is probably one of the new meds we had put her on!  We don't ever want to do that again!!!!  So we are weaning her off of that and hope to get that back to normal. She will see a cardiologist tomorrow regarding her atrial fibulation and they are trying to see why she is still throwing up and can't eat...I'll keep you posted.

Family

This is why I am here....I have spent the evening just hanging out with my mom...I was working on some stuff for work on my laptop this evening on the balcony and mom came out and just sat.  It was so nice to just be.... I am soaking all of this up..every bit.

Here is a blog from my aunt...mom watches it almost every night before bed. 

I HOPE YOU DANCE.wmv

Today

Mom seems to be doing better today.  She spent most of the day in the hospital getting fluids and her dressings to her central line changed.  I needed to work so stayed in the apartment while they went on the outing.  She actually came back and ate well this evening.  Bobby said one of the doctors told them about a patient of Dr. Anjani's that had cancer, was given no time at all to live from everyone else and ended up making it through the chemo, tumors shrunk, did surgery, more chemo and is still alive 12 years later.  This was very good for mom to hear.  She is stressing horribly of this H-pylori bacteria....so please, if you are part of the family or close friend or even someone she cares about, go get tested, get treated if you are positive.  If you don't want to get tested, please tell her that you have.....just kidding...I don't want you to lie but I don't want her to lie in bed upset because everyone isn't getting tested.  From what I understand, there are two tests that you can have:  a blood test or a breathe test.  The treatment of choice up here is called Prevpack.  If I were positive and over 50, I would also have a scope of my stomach.  Colonoscopies do not detect stomach cancer so push for it...tell them you have a sister that has been diagnosed if they tell you no....find someone else. 

Thanks to everyone who is calling and talking to her.  She is loving talking on the phone!  We can't seem to keep hers charged!!!!!!! 

Have a wonderful day!

Good Day!

I have alot of work to do still tonight so not much of a blog tonight but we moved into the apartment. It is wonderful!!!!  This is really a great thing that the church ministry does here...They join together and lease apartments and then rent them out for the cost of the rent to the families that need to stay here.  Still expensive but no lease, no need to get furnature, bedding, kitchen supplies, etc.....  And it is beautiful!  Absolutely beautiful. 

Mom seems to be better.  Seemed more sad today, not sure why but we did get her out abit in the evening.  Send cards and pictures!  She is missing the dogwood blooms!!!!!! 

Love you guys,
Tammy

We Finally Got to Leave the ER

For you that have been following this....you will know what that means..she finally pooped!  She's feeling so much better...still really tired but finally eating a bit again and talking.  For those who know my mom well, the following story will assure you that she is better...for those of you who do not know my mom, some of you will think, "Wow, she is just like her daughter.....".  I had stayed the night with mom...she slept like a baby until about 6 am and I worked like a fiend trying to block the world out and focus on a world that is semi-controllable...I'm afraid the nurse probably thought that I was the worst daughter ever...every time something bad would pop up, I would comfort mom and then run to my computer.  Got alot done and stayed sane.  Anyway, I came back to the hotel at 9:30 to participate in some conference calls regarding work.  Around 1:30, I get a call from my brother to come and get them she is being released..... and he tells me something really disturbing...she is talking crazy and is slightly delusional both him and dad recognized it.  I told him that they needed to tell the nurse but he said that I needed to get there so I could see, however, I need to hurry because if I didn't she would be discharged...in the meantime, I get lost (I know!  I am only 1 block away and I GET LOST IN A FREAKING PARKING GARAGE!!!!!!!!!!! and I am not even parking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  Anyway, I call my dad and he will only answer in 2 word sentences so I have him hand the phone to the charge nurse....I tell her the situation and she says that she will do an assessment on mom....at this time, I am scared that she may have had a stroke or something.  All of a sudden I hear mom say in the background that she wants to talk to me which is great so I can talk to her myself and try to find out how she's really doing.  I say Hey mom and we loose the connection.  Bobby and I were talking later and what I didn't see that had happened was that mom asked to talk to me, reaches up for the phone, dad hands it to her and in front of everyone holds it up above her head and slams it shut!!!!!!!! and puts it in her pocket!!!!!  Dad and Bobby stand there with their mouths open and the charge nurse mouths to my brother, "What do I do?" to which mom looks her in the eye and says, I am not staying her all day!!!  After hearing this story, I knew that my mother was absolutely, perfectly fine mentally.

She was horribly constipated.  They were worried about toxicity from the chemo and the constipation and of course, perforation if we didn't get things moving...thank goodness this was not the case.  It took alittle bit of everything to get things moving again...but she should be good to go or at least better.  She is extremely fatigued.  From what we have been told, this is normal especially for the regimen she is on.  She will be exhausted for 5-7 days after...we get 4 good days and back again.  The wonderful thing is that the pain is gone. She hadn't had a pain pill since 3:00 pm yesterday.  I did give her one before she went to bed because her back was starting to hurt.

We talked abit about why they could heal those who had the bacteria but not her...and I reaffirmed to her that this is not a death sentence but rather a chronic disease that she will learn to live with.  A chronic disease that we can treat.  Like I told her, we would not be here if there was no hope. 

Thanks for the prayers, thoughts, hugs and help with everything every one is doing.  Question:  Does anyone drive to St. Louis, Kansas City or Tulsa on a regular basis?  I will be starting to commute back and forth between work and here starting next week until the end of the school year.  I'm not sure about days yet but if someone was already there, I would try to catch a ride instead of making Travis drive back and forth. 

Love you all,
Tammy

In the ER again....this time more serious

I know....I usually don't journal when things are bad....and they are bad. We are back in the ER with mom. Slowly throughout the day, she has become more despondent and weak. She hasn't had a BM in 12 days....I told her tonight I was putting it on the prayer chain if she didn't.....you are reading about it so you know what to pray for. She almost fell getting out of the bathtub and collapsed shortly after. She told me to call an ambulance..but we got her here ourselves.

As I sit here in the floor (those who know me well know that's where I go for comfort), I have been amazed with the observation of cancer.....it crosses all boundaries...race, gender, age, social position, socioeconomic status, geographic location....it doesn't discriminate. Isn't it amazing that something as evil as cancer will eagerly reach out to everyone....yet we, as a nation, as a world and sometimes as followers of Christ cannot touch our fellow man as eagerly as cancer.

I watch the tenderness exchanged between caregivers and the patient with cancer. I smile knowingly at the grownup children standing watch over their beloved mom or dad....ready like me waiting for the opportunity to slay a dragon we cannot tangibly feel. It's difficult to see one of the people in this world who love and have loved you unconditionally taken to their knees. I see friends with friends.... I see some who are alone.....my how strong they must be to be able to face this disease alone. I pray for them....pray that they know Christ who will comfort them...no one should be alone through this. I observe some of the roughest of the rough tenderly reach over and whisper "I love you, mamma.". Everyone has a mamma. I observe the couples,again. I am always intrigued by them. You know which ones I mean....they are the couples we usually see at the store, restaurants, church...and if we are lucky in our own parents....couples who complete each other. The tenderness, the extra touches and patience...yet, if you look closely here there is sadness...sadness of life interrupted, sadness of the weakening of ones health but not of ones love. This breaks my heart.

No matter how this ends tonight, I have no regrets. I have done what God has asked me to do......willingly I have laid everything at His feet. This world is not our home. I didn't get it totally until now. I have no desire to hang in a world that revels in darkness, that embraces evil, that chooses pain over love. Before I get a million phone calls regarding my being suicidal, please know that is not what this is...this is me realizing that I wil continue to walk God's path for me as long as He deems necessary but I will be eagerly awaiting His return. I was meant to be here with my mother. I was prepared for this day.

I pray for strength for my mom. I pray for wisdom for the doctors and I pray for time. See, I'm not ready to lose her yet. Our manna needs to come home.

The Day After......

Sorry for the late night basically crappy post!  I had actually been typing an email to a colleague and noticed that I had started typing somthing about changing the bed???? Hello????  So for the lack of communication on here.  Thanks to all of you who have called, texted and have continued to pray....it has been a long weekend!  But, yet, an incredible weekend.

We were released last night from the ER around 4:00.  She woke up again at 6 am throwing up, again at 8 and again later.  We were able to get the new meds (the pharmacy couldn't fill them last night due to network issues).  They seem to be working better.  We even have the seabands on her...she looked at me like I was crazy but if they work...I will cover her from head to toe!!!!!!!

She goes tomorrow to get her chemo taken off.  We have been told that it will be the 3rd day from the chemo that we should start to see sideeffects.   We are so excited to get the first round done. 

A couple of incredible things-  We have been told about a stomach and liver cancer survivor of 10 years that lives in Springfield...actually works in the same office as mom's oncologist in Springfield.  We will be calling her soon.  She has said that the road is long and hard but doable.  Makes me fill better...I was afraid that the long, hard road meant she wasn't doing well.  But maybe that isn't true.  This is an answer to prayer...we've been praying to find someone who has survived this that would be willing to talk.  This lady actually organizes support groups and such!!!!

The second amazing thing is that we have been looking for and praying for a more ...permanent isn't the word but homey, yet flexible place to stay.  We need a place that has a very flexible lease, that is furnished that has utilities ready to go.  It is difficult to do.  Do you do a 3 month, 6 month  or 12 month lease? We have no idea how long she will be receiving treatment that requires her to be here so do you do a longer lease just in case but then you have to break the lease...Plus we have to rent/buy furnature, bedding, kitchen and bathroom stuff...it has been crazy trying to put this together.  I am also still working using an office off campus to complete projects for the semester end so this has been a burden that has weighed heavy.  ANYWAY, there is a church apartment ministry that sets up apartments and rents them out to families staying at MD Anderson. They are not free (which is not what we are looking for) but they take care of all of the stuff that makes it difficult to put together a short-term apartment.  It looks like home!  Such wonderful people.  God orchestrated an apartment for my mother.  My brother and I had went to look at an apartment and I took my dad back.  The young lady showing us the apartment asked if we had applied for this ministry when I said yes but we had just applied and there was a  long waiting list..she just smiled.  I received an email from her on Friday night and was told we would hear from someone Saturday morning.  We didn't hear anything yesterday and dad was saying lets just rent it out ourselves and deal with the other.  But inside I heard the voice wait...just wait.  We received a call this morning.  There is a church that does their waiting list differently.  They have 18 apartments within a nice complex and since we were here and ready to go and one came open. and Nicole alerted them to mom's condition with God's orchestrated hand...we went from just submitting an application to having an apartment.  Usually, this takes 2-3 months to get an apartment...some have been on the list for 6 months....Thank you, Jesus.  PLUS, we now have a church that will minister to my mom and dad.  Will love on them and a church home!!!!!!!  I've been looking at churches and this one has been sent.  Plus they can stay here as long as they need to with out having to even think about a lease.
 
Bad weekend on one had absolutely amazing on the other. As my dad said, "The good Lord was looking out for us."  That he was. 

Tomorrow she gets her chemo unhooked..probably some more fluids.  Pray the nausea and vomiting goes away.

Thanks again for the love and prayers!  Our new address starting on Tuesday night is:

Brompton Court Apartments
Atten:  Bob or Joan Conner
7510 Brompton Ave Apt 630
Houston, TX   77002

If anything has already been sent, they will forward them.  Thanks for the cards and letters! 

We Live to Fight Another Day!

I am sitting in the ER with mom...actually just finished working for a few hours while I was waiting for the doctor to return...I can now barely keep my eyes open.  But I wanted to get an update out...She is being kept over night in the ER for observation...she is not happy!  Looks like a ruffled rooster!  Thankfully, the vomit was not blood but rather bile and possibly poop...she also has a UTI and lots of poop!  So its time to get out the recipe.  She scared us...scare herself.  She had been vomiting this stuff since last night at 2;00 but was afaid they wouldn't do chem....  Areas of praise!!! Hemocrit holding level.  Her calcium level is .1 point of being NORMAL. lLiver values are normal.

Love you guys!  I can barely type with out falling asleep.

Tammy

Things not going right....

Calling on everyone to pray.  We are trying to get ahold of mom's doctor..there is the possibility that she is throwing up blood.  She finished her first round of chemo but has been throwing up since last night.  I'll post as soon as we know something......

URGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

First morning of chemo....we were all up all night and couldn't sleep.  Mom sick to her stomach, my sick to mine (which I am never) and a bundle of nervous energy.  It's odd....it's almost like we all sense this impending something...but noone knows what the impending something is...its not the elephant in the room, that's out in the open.  Not sure what it is....However, I believe I just earned myself the worst daughter of the year award.  Mom has taken on this feable persona....and for those who know my mother...she is NOT feable  not even close to and frankly she is not.  But in her mind she has decided that she will die and soon...typically, our perception becomes reality if we aren't careful.....  She has herself so worked up that her blood pressure was 178/94 before the chemo...she was throwing up and almost fell walking two steps from her wheelchair to the bed and barely tried to catch herself.  Granted she does have cancer, but she is NOT that weak anymore.  She was about 4 weeks ago but not now.  I told her she needed to get it together she was acting like someone about to die and she said I didn't know how she was.  And I told her that she wasn't trying to fight this.  That if she was going to act beaten then she might as well be and let's call it now and go home to die.  She took her jacket off and told dad to put if over my head...to which I replied that I was leaving the area and she could call me when she decided she wanted to fight this. 

Wow...God's Hand is All Around

"Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary.  They shall walk and not be weak."  Isaiah 40

I have received this verse 5 times from different individuals today...so much so that my brother has asked me to look up cancer on google and see what verses come up!  This one does not....I do believe God's message is coming through loud and clear.  It has been an incredibly long week...it seems like it has been months.  satan has had a "heyday" messing with our lives and creating waves and wind..interference...and after each interference today, someone would send this verse....Yes, I had 5 interferences today....and God reminded me after each one "to wait upon the Lord".  So I learn to be obedient and wait. (or try to...sometimes I move forward to quick and have to be reigned back in.....)  Still not sleeping well...but it is good, I can use the time when everyone else is in bed to work (I get alot done without any distractions!!!!!) plus I am awake for mom's meds!

Mom did wonderful getting her central line.  She had a nurse that was amazing...just amazing.  His name was Tony. Tony didn't even get frustrated with me and my million questions about how they use their equipment and why some of their protocols are different from ours in insertions. The nurses do them and they are all ultrasound guided for you sonographers out there.  (point of care ultrasound at your service).  They do not bill for the ultrasound, though....Any way, back to the real world...she did great.  She was so scared and so nervous but came out smiling and laughing with her nurse Tony!  Who would have thought.  She ate alittle better today.  Tomorrow, we begin chemo.  I have to go to a class to learn how to take care and flush her central line.  Should have gone to nursing school!!!!!!  She talked alittle today about realizing that she may not have much time...this was very hard. But I acknowledged that and we talked about needing to find the things that she loves to do and do them!  If you have any ideas, let us know!

Today we went and looked at apartments.  We found one area in particular that seemed good.  So very expensive though when you are looking at the reality of not knowing what sort of lease to sign......are they looking at 1 month, 2 months, 12 months?????  And we have to rent furniture and bedding and dishes!!!!!Any way, we were having difficulty finding just the right fit with the lease and such.  One of the ladies at the apartment complex asked if we had checked with the churches here.  I said that we are on a waiting list but that it takes up to 3 months to get to the top.  Well, later in the evening when it seemed that all was exhausted in finding a place to stay, I received an email saying it was urgent to call her.  When I did, I found out that one of the church people stopped by to check on something and she told him about us AND he will call tomorrow to let us know if he can help us with finding a furnished room with no lease!!!!!!!! Isn't that amazing??? Just amazing!!!  I will let you know how it turns out.  There isn't a limit on the lease so hopefully mom will be there for a long time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  or we finish this quickly and get to return home to live a long time!  Again, thanks to all who have offered so much help!  Love you all,
Tammy

First Step Toward Chemo

Today at noon we go to get mom's central line placed in.... for a person who hates needles she is scared to death. I've tried to explain what and how they do it, the fact that she won't have to be stuck every time now....what is left in blah, blah, blah to no avail. She's scared..and that's okay. Chemo regimen will be rough especially for the first 4 weeks.  Tomorrow, we start with a drug that she will be infused with for 2 hours at the hospital and then continue with another that will be infused in her continuously by an infuser that will be attached to her so we will be able to bring her back to the hotel.  We've stocked up on all supplies that the doctor suggested to help alleviate symptoms using the pediatric versions of some since they are liquid and hopefully will be able to be absorbed through her stomach better.   they will check her tumors every 4 weeks and her calcium level quite often...once they decrease, she will officially go on a clinical trial.  The next 2 months are crucial. 

I've been very blunt with her....we had "the talk" even though my brother was about to kill me...but I had to know, she had to know...she may never go home..never see her chickens, turkeys, guineas, the lake..it may end here. I wanted to make sure she knew and made the choice...not us making it for her.  She replied, "I have to fight.  I have to see the kids grow up."  I told her I would only ask it once..and after this, she needs to tell me when to pull off the fight and move her home.

Dad is having such a hard time...such a hard time.  He gets confused easy which is to be expected.  We left them alone last night as mom was getting another IV transfusion.  The doctor had wanted to add a couple of meds to her IV.  He put in the orders "as needed" .  Well, when the nurse read off the orders to my dad....he said she doesn't need it!!!!!!!!  So they didn't give it to her.  Bobby and I were contacted and realized what had happened...talked to the nurse and then to dad....  the meds were for nausea and pain and true she wasn't having it right then but would be that night if she didn't have the meds!!!!!!!  We were able to get them added back on and she had a better night.

We are Still Breathing.... Remember, that constitutes a good day....

Today has not been good.  Not sure if I should start positive or negative....   We shall start with what is:  Finished with mom's doctor's appointment.  She does not qualify for any clinical trials at this time..however, they are using 2 of the drugs that she will be given in a clinical trial (This may turn out to be a blessing in that the drugs are top of the line...and insurance pays better if it is not clinical trials.)  She has a type of cancer that according to medicine can not be cured but is treatable....but she will always have to be in treatment.  She may be able to take a few months off but every time she takes off..the cancer will grow.  According to the doctor, with this type of cancer, they loose 1/2 of the patients within 1 year of beginning treatment....we start on Saturday.  The other 30% die within 2 years and the other 20% remain alive but still in treatment.  Her calcium levels have always been high and they remain extremely high.  They are going to try to treat her for that...hopefully it will help her to feel better.  According to her CT scans, she has a probable cancerous mass in her thyroid, multiple in her liver, many enlarged lymph nodes and the mass in her stomach.  He believes that the cancer is the result of a bacteria-Helicobacterium pylori.  It has been suggested that the family be tested for the bacteria....including her siblings.  I will put more information on about the testing as it becomes available.  Treatment for those who have it is antibiotics.

Long story, short....it doesn't look any better than it did...actually reality has been laid out to us.  By being here for treatment, they are treating her with the clinical trial drugs even though she technically doesn't qualify.  We will keep her here until...well, until she says, "Take me home."

It's Okay

In the midst of all of this, there is an underlying peace though.  I know that I am where God wants me to be.  I feel like the chorus of the song...."Sometimes He calms the storm...and sometimes He calms the child while the waves and the wind go wild"

Seriously, the waves are crashing all around and the wind is blowing so hard it is difficult at times to walk and even stand....but within my soul, within my mind, there is peace.  It doesn't mean that this doesn't hurt..it hurts horribly.  It doesn't mean that I'm not frustrated and broken with empathy by what I seen surrounding not only our situation but those of all of the patients that we have met...the human side of me is saturated with grief for ourselves and every person that I come in contact with...for the young mother who has yet to hold and love on her 3 week old son because she was diagnosed shortly after delivery with a tumor (Her mother holds her baby in the waiting rooms while she goes through the same process we are)...for the various children I see that are in a different stages of cancer...for the couples that I see that their love for each other is palpable to everyone around, yet one of them is in the fight for their lives and you can see it in the eyes of the other that they would take their place in a second.  No, all of this is there.  These are the waves crashing and the wind blowing.....

But within, I am calm.  Within, I know that God will orchestrate good out of this bad.  I don't know how...and that's okay...I don't know what the end result will be (and while that's hard), I do trust Him and know that He knows.  So I do my part...I pray, I push, I ask questions, I educate ourselves, I don't give up until she says we are done...and then I push alittle more to make sure it is her talking and not the disease.  So, when you read my posts, I will be real.  This is what we are feeling, this is what it is.  But know, that what keeps me sane, is my Christ. 

What can you do?  Pray, pray hard....but also take a look at your lives.  What do you eat?  What do you put in your body?  I said that I would change throughout this....my eating habits will never be the same again.  NEVER.  For the last several years, I have had friends that are very active in real food and I have dabbled.  No more dabbling.  I know that I have a genetic predisposition to have cancer so this means that I have to create in me a body that is healthy enough to constantly stay on top of any abnormal cells.

Love you all.  Thanks for listening.  Her appointment is at 2:30. I'll post tonight the outcome.  We do know that she will do treatments here.  We will not be bringing her home for treatment.  This has been decided by mom and supported fully by us.

"No Title"

It has been a very long and hard day...a good friend reminded me of words that I have used with my students many times from the Relay for Life event and it's relation to the cancer experience.....

Relay For Life starts at dusk and ends at the next day’s morning. The light and darkness of the day and night parallel the physical effects, emotions and mental state of a cancer patient while undergoing treatment.

The Relay begins in the evening, as dusk is approaching. This symbolizes the time when a person is diagnosed with cancer. The day is getting darker and this represents the patient’s state of mind as they feel their life is coming to an end.
This is where we currently are....

This is where we are going as of tomorrow....

As the evening goes on, it gets darker and colder, just as the emotions of the cancer patient. 2 a.m. represents the time when the patient starts treatment. They become exhausted, sick, not wanting to go on, possibly wanting to give up.

This is where we pray we will be....

Around 4 – 5 a.m. symbolizes the end of treatment for the cancer patient. They can see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that life will go on. The morning light brings the warmth of a new day, full of life and new beginnings.

Mom isn't eating well...actually not at all until I threatened to take her home again.  I know it hurts.  I know she feels sick and just wants to sleep but that is the cancer lying to her...telling her she will feel better if she just rests...she won't...she will die if she just lies there.  She finally ate some around 8 pm and a couple more bites at 9....we are moving hour by hour.

Thanks so much for those of you who have joined us in this battle!  We feel your strength, your love and your concern.

We are staying at Extended Stay Deluxe Hotel Atten: Bob Conner Room 242   1301 S Braeswood Blvd      Houston, TX  77030    If you can send her cards, letters, please do...she needs to hear encouragement and love from all of you.  Thanks for those who have sent pictures ...they brighten her day.

Tomorrow at 2:30 we meet with the doctor to find out the path our lives will follow....

Love you all,
Tammy

　

　

Good Morning

It's a new day!  Thank God for each brand new day!  We are sitting outside waiting for the shuttle to take us for more IV fluids.  I think everyone is about to kick me out of the hotel (everyone in my family that is).  I am not a sleeper in the normal sense of the world when everything is calm in the world and I am worse when I am nervous or anxious so imagine me on a natural version of speed.....  I worked until about 4:15 this morning...as my brother kept asking..are you done yet, is it night time???  Gotta go.

It's Not Easy Being the Surrounded by the Worst of the Worst and You Being the Worst

I said I would blog about the good and the bad...for those who know me well, you know, that I journal only when things are good...when things go south...I stop and resume again when they are better.  When Slaton was in the NICU, you can tell the good days in my journal..they are there...the bad days are not.  I guess I don't like seeing it in print????  Started to be a good day.  I actually spent the afternoon with a previous faculty of mine touring her new School of Oriental Medicine and Acupuncture...(I told mom that I might be hauling her over there, too!) so excited for her, so wonderful to see another side of treating people...not sure if it would make a clinical site...but you never know where they might pop up.

After I got back, we had to take mom for her CT.  We were in a waiting room with probably 75 patients and mom was very, very sick to her stomach....and then she was told she had to drink the contrast.  And that made her sicker....that was the point when I looked around and realized that in a room filled with patient's with the worst of the worst cancer...we were in fact...the worst.  Very depressing, very scary, very sad.  (Thanks, Karen. You are right...tell fear how big God is).  It got worse, she got sicker and afterwards actually threw up a meal that we had 3 week earlier!!!  Yes, I checked and that is what and when it was...so we are going to be changing her diet..moving to strictly juices and smoothies with protein for awhile.  She ended up having to have 2 more IV fluids and we are scheduled now for 7 in the morning for our next IV fluids. 

Thanks for the prayers.  Just horrible to see my mom that way.  I hope that everyone else in the room waiting were there for rechecks and not first time patients....but I guess it realize doesn't matter.

Our First Day

Wow!  What a day, what a place!  To those who have been here....you understand.  I am completely speechless.  It is an amazing, amazing organization.  Such friendly, helpful, compassionate staff and patients..every one is either in the same place you are SCARED or have been there and can't wait to encourage you! 
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We met her doctor and his physician assistant who was incredibly helpful and loving towards mom.  Mom and dad are still at the hospital getting IV fluids since mom is so dehydrated.  She has gained a few pounds (yeah!)  Isn't it crazy...we were talking about this but she has spent her whole life trying to loose weight and now we are celebrating because she has gained !!!!  They are going to run a few more tests tomorrow and another IV on Wednesday and as the words from her doctor..."I will see you again on Thursday and we will begin treating you."  My response was, "It is treatable?" to which he just smiled and said, "Yes!"  I also asked how many stomach cancer patients has he treated ...he said he could find the numbers but he had already seen 30 today (as of 2:00)...more than some oncologists see their whole careers.  We are so in the right place.  They are asking that mom do her treatments here in Houston so Bobby and I are trying to find somewhere alittle more permanent to stay in besides a hotel room.  Thankfully, we are coming on Summer break....My first summer that I have off!!!! Such a blessing from God.  We had moved the schools to the college and I was contracted for 9 months for the first time ever...for a reason.

Thank you so much for your support and prayers.  If you have a message for mom, you can put it on here or email it and I'll get it to her.  She's eating better...organic.  When we got here, she wanted Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Meal!  I made her the organic version to which she asked ...where is the cheese????

The Big Day

Today has finally come.  The cancer was first found 3 weeks ago today....in some ways it seems like it was yesterday...in some way it seems like it was a lifetime ago.  It will change our lives...I think it will be like what it was when we had Slaton in the NICU (pre-Slaton and post-Slaton) but now it will be pre-cancer an post-cancer.  Not a bad thing...just a thing.

Her schedule is:
Registration-1:00
Meet with Dr. Ajani-1:30
Blood tests (which she will love)-2:00
Chest xrays-2:30

Made it to MD Anderson

What a trip!  The last trip that we all took as a family (just us 4) was to Oklahoma to a family reunion...I was in 6th grade!  Mom actually did quite well.  She got sick a couple of times and was worn out by the time we got here but seems to be doing better.  We let her eat "junk" food on the way down and started eating healthy again tonight.  Tomorrow we meet with the oncologist, Dr. Anjani and have a blood test and Chest Xray.  Pray that we can keep her healthy and that she eats better.  I'd love to get in there and it be gone...but am okay with whatever we are told and ready to move forward.  Missing the family!  Slaton will turn 3 while I am gone!!! Can't believe I will miss it!!!  Thanks to everyone back home who is making it possibly for me to be here.