It is well with my soul....

I said I wouldn't blog again....but you must know that if I am blogging I am okay.  We got the phone call yesterday to come home that it wouldn't be long...her breathing is sporadic mixed with apneas and then regular but shallow breathing that comes and goes.  It's odd...when one of the grandkids are in the room, she breathes much better.  Through the night, we stayed by her side..at one point in time, her sisters were all laying in bed with her sleeping just like the slept when they were growing up.  We spent the night remembering and sharing stories...watched the sun come up, saw a wild turkey and tons of birds. This afternoon has been spent by her bedside..working on the computer.  She is so peaceful. I keep thinking that one of these times I will look over and she won't be breathing...ah, to go that peaceful.  In the midst of all of this, however, my uncle who is down here with all of the family passed away unexpectedly.  He is my mom's sister's husband, Paul.  He was at grandma's house about a mile from here.  We are not letting mom know but arrangments for him are going on as we speak.  Life is short, quick and unpredictable so share your love with those around you, speak quickly but kindly.  In all honestly, if I walked in and didn't know what was going on...I would think she was just sleeping....  She has spent the last several days surrounded by those she loved most her family....her siblings have been a Godsend.  Every morning, Judy would come in after work and lay with her and sleep until the afternoon and then Della would come in the afternoon and they would trade places and Della would talk with her.  She looked so forward to them coming.  I know she loves us but she especially loves her family.  I hate to see her go...but know it would have killed her to see anything happen to her siblings.....she wouldn't have traded places for a minute.  It was hard so hard on her when they lost Dean.  Slaton knows more than I think he does.  He runs in and hugs her and says, I won't hurt her I just want to hug her...so she's getting slaton loves even now.  Thanks again for the prayers. 

Still not better.......

Basically, today was a repeat of yesterday except to be told by two surgeons that the surgery was not possible and mom is not a candidate for alternative therapies because she has a poor prognosis... (we will have a poor prognosis without something...)  Her doctor will speak with the radiologists tomorrow to see if they would consider inserting a feeding tube but is highly doubtful due to the proximity of the area needed for insertion and her pancreas...there is also the thought of possibly going to angiography to try to stop the bleeding.  again....doubtful..but possibly.  Evidently, tomorrow there will be a big pow-wow of all of her care team to determine the next step...her doctor has said that if one team says no, then we go to the next and the next....I'm saying we are running out of time.  Mom has decided that if we don't get anything in the form of progressive news tomorrow or Tuesday...we go home.  Her doctor is aware of this.  Her hemoglobin is still dropping so she's still bleeding and they will not do anymore chemo if we can't get nutrition in her.  It has been asked if she is hungry or starving (especially for those who know my mom)...and weirdly, no, she doesn't seem to want any food.  Every now and then she will drink grape juice or eat an orange popsicle but that's it.  You would think she would be starving to death...I think it is the combination of the cancer, her pain medication and the progression of the disease. 

Google gastric cancer and see what you can find.  Bobby and I have researched every thing that we can get our hands on in hopes of finding something...anything....and the answers are all the same.  If the patient has mets to their liver and lymph nodes or anywhere outside of the stomach, typical survival is 2 months.  Mom has had this for awhile and was battling the end stages probably before we even knew she had cancer.  I try to look on the bright side (if there is one) and that at least we have time...at least we have been able to spend time together...all of us as a family..it has been over 20 years since we have gotten to do that.  And even though it has been wretched, it has been nice to be with my family.  Granted, I would rather everyone be healthy but we wouldn't have done this if we were healthy!  I cry endlessly some days.  I can't think about the kids and how they will miss her.  How Slaton won't get to grow up with his Nanna...He loves her so very, very much!  I have promised her that I won't let him forget her and we won't...but it won't be the same...not at all.  She was and has been such a constant in his life.........

Impending doom.....

Couldn't blog last night....news isn't good....not good at all.  The surgeons believe that any surgery is too risky...when you are in the hospital of all hospitals that take risks and they say its too risky...you are in a bad spot.  We are waiting today to see her primary doctor to see if/what options there are...I am fearful they are few.  Her hemoglobin is dropping basically 1 point every two days...this means the cancer/ulcers in her stomach are bleeding more freely.   There is not a way to stop the bleeding.  Radiation has come up as a wild card try but we have yet to talk with anyone.  She's not in any pain.  They have pain meds, good ones for her and IV fluids to keep her hydrated.  She knows how bad it is....I'm not sure if she wants to go home or not....Frankly, I am not sure if I could even get her home at this point without her crashing on the way or being in severe pain...but if that's what she would want to do...we would prepare the best we could and take off.  She hasn't eaten anything in a week and doesn't seem to want to.  With the obstruction, this is probably best. 

It's incredible (in a bad way) to think how far we've come since March 25th.  Alittle of six weeks, not only have we had to accept that she has cancer but we've also had to accept that she will die from this cancer and die sooner than later.  We have literally tried everything that we can but the doors keep closing everywhere. Her blood is very thick because she's been  taken off of coumadin to try to keep her from bleeding so the chances of a stroke are grim.  Now we wait and see. 

Gloom...

Thanks for all of the encouragement regarding the blog..yes, it probably is very theraputic for me...Be thankful that it doesn't automatically write down my thougths and feelings of the day or it would be quite the jumbled mess....  basically, it is composed of a summary of the day, and if it ends on a good note..it has a good vibe...if it ends on a bad note...a bad vibe.

Well, tonight, when Bobby and I had gone back to the apartment to shower for the night, we got another call from dad saying they had just talked to a doctor and they were concerned about putting in the feeding tube...the last treatment option we were told about...but since her hemoglobin was steadily decreasing..she was actively still bleeding from the cancer in her stomach.  So, while they could put in the feeding tube, there would still be bleeding coming up higher....so, they are going back to the drawing board.  We were called back since the attending would either come back in tonight or tomorrow morning.  (I had actually woke Bobby up and said let's go back around 4:00.  But I called dad and he said mom was better and the doctor had said the feeding tube would happen later in the week.  So we didn't go...and then around 7 we get the call that the GI docs have come in and there is a problem...so we are all waiting to talk with them to find out what the options are now.  It doesn't look good but it didn't look good in the beginning, did it?  When you start off bad....you just stay in various levels of bad.

On a good note, today was my 40th B-day and mom actually got dressed and went down to the cafeteria to eat lunch with us.  She was on a liquids only diet so she had grape juice.  She looked good and we stayed down there for about an hour before the pain got too bad.  Some have said, what a horrible way to spend your birthday, but there is no place that I would rather spend it than with my mom.

I'll post again as soon as we find out the next rabbit they are going to pull out of their hat.

Friday, April 29th

I couldn't think of an appropriate title...My brother has nicknamed this blog as doom and gloom...we are on a rollarcoaster ride and the ups are gloom and the lows are doom...today was an in-between.  Mom had been scheduled for the stent at 3:00 pm. However, the nurse came in and said she could eat if she wanted it had been canceled.....Dr. George her doctor at the hospital came in and said that the cancer and ulcer around the cancer was right in the place where the stent needs to go.  Without the stent or a way for her to get nutition...she can't survive long....so they are meeting this weekend to figure out a plan..either another way or the next option will be to put in a feeding tube.  The tube would allow her to receive nutriants, meds and resume chemo.  Her pain is coming back...we need to start chemo again.  Mom said on Friday that she didn't want to have a feeding tube so today I wasn't sure what would happen..she responded that while she'd like the stent, she'd take the feeding tube if that was the next plan.  Since most cancer victims die from malnutrition....the feeding tube might buy us the most time.  The plan would be to have the feeding tube utilize chemo and then shrink the tumors so  eventually they can be removed...again a long shot...but at least we have a shot still. 

Bobby tells me that some of you will stop reading this or will become numb to the "doom and gloom" and maybe you will but I am trying to write it to best capture what is happening here.  This has been one of the biggest craziest ride we've ever had....The kids are all back home and Travis is doing an amazing job with them..however, Slaton says he can't find me....they will be coming to visit and him to stay in May.  It's amazing how God has orchestrated all of this. 

Please keep her in your prayers.  Your cards and  pictures brighten her day so much.  I usually go and get the mail in the evening and every night, we read through the cards that she receives. 

Next Step

At this time, we will continue here.  They are going to attemp to put a stent in to open up the obstruction at 3:00.  This is supposed to be an easy procedure.....  after that, they will continue chemo as long as it makes mom feel better.  They are hopeful that the stent will allow her to eat again.....we shall see.

And Reality Hits, Again....

For those who have been following, you will know that when I don't post...things aren't going well....things are not well.  Mom has been throwing up almost constantly, has difficulty still having a bowel movement and has a hemoglobin that keeps decreasing in light of repeat transfusions....so they wanted to do another scope to look at her stomach but they couldn't do that until they did a nuc med stress test on her heart which she passed with flying colors...the scope was another story.   Bobby and I had went to the store to get some things tht mom wanted and received two phone calls telling us to come back to the hospital immediately.  We were terrified thta she hadn't made made it through the procedure. Thankfully, LaDella and Ronnie are here and were with dad (otherwise we wouldn't have left him).  But when they got in to do the scope they found that its bad.  Now, we all knew before we came here that it was bad.  But somehow, hearing it in a place where bad everywhere else isn't so bad, makes it even worse.  It is worse than it was, she know has gastric outlet obstruction where her stomach and small bowel come together.  I think this is also the first time dad has really realized what we are dealing with.  What we are really facing.  Yes, we would all love to see her beat this or even survive a year or two...but the reality is grim....extremely grim.  A team of her primary doctors are meeting today to decide what can be done....they can put a stent in which will buy time, they would even continue chemo which might buy more time.  But she's really sick and truthfully quite far in the disease process.......so this is where we are.  Alot of questions will be asked today.  Pray that we make the right decisions, pray that mom has comfort and peace.  I am so thankful that Bobby and I can be with her.  So thankful that I didn't go home.  But so dread what lies ahead.