Gloom...

Thanks for all of the encouragement regarding the blog..yes, it probably is very theraputic for me...Be thankful that it doesn't automatically write down my thougths and feelings of the day or it would be quite the jumbled mess....  basically, it is composed of a summary of the day, and if it ends on a good note..it has a good vibe...if it ends on a bad note...a bad vibe.

Well, tonight, when Bobby and I had gone back to the apartment to shower for the night, we got another call from dad saying they had just talked to a doctor and they were concerned about putting in the feeding tube...the last treatment option we were told about...but since her hemoglobin was steadily decreasing..she was actively still bleeding from the cancer in her stomach.  So, while they could put in the feeding tube, there would still be bleeding coming up higher....so, they are going back to the drawing board.  We were called back since the attending would either come back in tonight or tomorrow morning.  (I had actually woke Bobby up and said let's go back around 4:00.  But I called dad and he said mom was better and the doctor had said the feeding tube would happen later in the week.  So we didn't go...and then around 7 we get the call that the GI docs have come in and there is a problem...so we are all waiting to talk with them to find out what the options are now.  It doesn't look good but it didn't look good in the beginning, did it?  When you start off bad....you just stay in various levels of bad.

On a good note, today was my 40th B-day and mom actually got dressed and went down to the cafeteria to eat lunch with us.  She was on a liquids only diet so she had grape juice.  She looked good and we stayed down there for about an hour before the pain got too bad.  Some have said, what a horrible way to spend your birthday, but there is no place that I would rather spend it than with my mom.

I'll post again as soon as we find out the next rabbit they are going to pull out of their hat.

Friday, April 29th

I couldn't think of an appropriate title...My brother has nicknamed this blog as doom and gloom...we are on a rollarcoaster ride and the ups are gloom and the lows are doom...today was an in-between.  Mom had been scheduled for the stent at 3:00 pm. However, the nurse came in and said she could eat if she wanted it had been canceled.....Dr. George her doctor at the hospital came in and said that the cancer and ulcer around the cancer was right in the place where the stent needs to go.  Without the stent or a way for her to get nutition...she can't survive long....so they are meeting this weekend to figure out a plan..either another way or the next option will be to put in a feeding tube.  The tube would allow her to receive nutriants, meds and resume chemo.  Her pain is coming back...we need to start chemo again.  Mom said on Friday that she didn't want to have a feeding tube so today I wasn't sure what would happen..she responded that while she'd like the stent, she'd take the feeding tube if that was the next plan.  Since most cancer victims die from malnutrition....the feeding tube might buy us the most time.  The plan would be to have the feeding tube utilize chemo and then shrink the tumors so  eventually they can be removed...again a long shot...but at least we have a shot still. 

Bobby tells me that some of you will stop reading this or will become numb to the "doom and gloom" and maybe you will but I am trying to write it to best capture what is happening here.  This has been one of the biggest craziest ride we've ever had....The kids are all back home and Travis is doing an amazing job with them..however, Slaton says he can't find me....they will be coming to visit and him to stay in May.  It's amazing how God has orchestrated all of this. 

Please keep her in your prayers.  Your cards and  pictures brighten her day so much.  I usually go and get the mail in the evening and every night, we read through the cards that she receives. 

Next Step

At this time, we will continue here.  They are going to attemp to put a stent in to open up the obstruction at 3:00.  This is supposed to be an easy procedure.....  after that, they will continue chemo as long as it makes mom feel better.  They are hopeful that the stent will allow her to eat again.....we shall see.

And Reality Hits, Again....

For those who have been following, you will know that when I don't post...things aren't going well....things are not well.  Mom has been throwing up almost constantly, has difficulty still having a bowel movement and has a hemoglobin that keeps decreasing in light of repeat transfusions....so they wanted to do another scope to look at her stomach but they couldn't do that until they did a nuc med stress test on her heart which she passed with flying colors...the scope was another story.   Bobby and I had went to the store to get some things tht mom wanted and received two phone calls telling us to come back to the hospital immediately.  We were terrified thta she hadn't made made it through the procedure. Thankfully, LaDella and Ronnie are here and were with dad (otherwise we wouldn't have left him).  But when they got in to do the scope they found that its bad.  Now, we all knew before we came here that it was bad.  But somehow, hearing it in a place where bad everywhere else isn't so bad, makes it even worse.  It is worse than it was, she know has gastric outlet obstruction where her stomach and small bowel come together.  I think this is also the first time dad has really realized what we are dealing with.  What we are really facing.  Yes, we would all love to see her beat this or even survive a year or two...but the reality is grim....extremely grim.  A team of her primary doctors are meeting today to decide what can be done....they can put a stent in which will buy time, they would even continue chemo which might buy more time.  But she's really sick and truthfully quite far in the disease process.......so this is where we are.  Alot of questions will be asked today.  Pray that we make the right decisions, pray that mom has comfort and peace.  I am so thankful that Bobby and I can be with her.  So thankful that I didn't go home.  But so dread what lies ahead.

A better day...Actually a Camp Wakonda Day!

(For those who know the movie Indian Summer...)  Mom had a good day today.  She so needed that after the craziness of yesterday.  She is determined to get her next chemo treatment!  I think that is what motivated her.  Dr. Anjani stopped by to visit (which I guess he rarely does) and said he couldn't believe how incredible she looks!  And then she threw up this evening.....but like I told her, we take the bad with the good.  Don't focus on the bad as the outcome of the day!!!  Still in the hospital.  Will probably be in until Thursday or Friday.  Next chemo on Monday.  For our praying friends and family, she's having a difficult time with her heart rate.  It keeps staying way up there...pray it will be controlled.

You know, I walked out of the hospital today and realized that there are people all around me with various signs of cancer.  Some have lost their hair, some with deformities from the disease, some barely holding on...It amazes me that I didn't see them when we first arrived.  Bobby and I talked about how everyone looked so healthy, so energetic, so full of life....but they all couldn't have.  I think that we saw what we needed to see. HOPE.  We needed to see life.  We were blinded from the reminders of the disease...but I see it now.  I have a friend who said being here would be hard on me....she's right... This is the mecca for cancer, people travel from miles to be here, to try to find exactly what we are trying to find...more time.  Maybe just one more day than we had, maybe a week, a month or even 12 years...time. 

Where do I start????

I do not want to blog today.  In fact, Bobby had asked if I had posted an update and I said what I always say with bad days....I don't want them to be in print.  But here we go, last night, she did great...we actually had a slumber party of sorts.  They had given her a pill to make her go to the bathroom (number 1 for those inquisitive minds..) so every half hour until about 2 am she had to go to the bathroom.  She was actually getting so good at being around that she was wanting me to teach her how to unplug herself so she wouldn't have to bother me working..not that she was bothering me...but she was up and going.  Around 2 she went to sleep and when she woke up she felt awful, just awful.  She said that she wanted to go walk around the nurses station but we should wait until she felt better.  Her blood pressure was high even for mom and her heart rate was bouncing up and down.  She got up a couple of times to go to the bathroom and the 3rd time, Lilly, her favorite nurse so far, was in with her because I was ordering mom's breakfast..it was about 10 and she thought she should eat.  I turn and see mom hightailing it to her bed dragging her IV pole behind her and then it at first looked like she was having a seizure.  I grabbed her in the front and Lilly in the back and Lilly started yelling for more help.  I'm sure this was only a few minutes but time literally stood still...I was concentrating on holding mom up when the nurse yelled to call a code blue..This is when I snapped into reality and said "is she not breathing?"  I felt for a pulse which she had and I told her to breathe, mom, breathe and slapped her on the cheek...not hard but enough to bring her out of it.  We lifted her to the bed and she was confused as to what had happened.  She remembers that she felt like she was going to faint and she was trying to get to the bed as quick as possible...I tried to explain the lack of logic to her thought process...hello!!!  The next thing that she remembered was seeing my face.....(Kind of reminds me of the promise when we die that we will see Christ face to face...)  They are thinking that her hemoglobin is lower than it should be probably due to the chemo..she has gotten plasma and a blood transfusion.  She's on a halter monitor for her heart and they have mixed up her meds a bit to make them alittle more tolerable.  There is alittle blood in her stool but they are thinking that is from the ulcer surrounding the cancer.  She still has very little pain so the chemo worked well there....needless to say, we were not expectin this.  With chemo, I was expecting her maybe to loose her hair, be nausea and sick but not this. ..not this at all.  The only good news about this is that she is getting  hydrated beyond belief and that should set her up well for the next treatment. She's come out fighting on this one.  It's almost like she needed as much opposition as possible and then she would fight hard!  Thanks for the prayers, cards and phone calls. 

I will be leaving on Wednesday to go back home in order to finish up the semester at the college.  I will be flying back and forth until summer...so Bobby will be posting also....we shall see how he does!

Easter Sunday

Still in the hospital.  Will see a cardiologist in the morning.  She had a rough, very rough morning but got better throughout the afternoon.  I will be flying home on Wednesday and will be home  through the following Friday...pray that she is better before I leave...not sure if I can leave her.  I stay up during the night as she sleeps, and while I work, i just watch her sleep...I can't seem to spend enough time with her...We are always told that we should live each day as if it is your last.....it changes your whole outlook..you hold people you love closer.