In the ER again....this time more serious

I know....I usually don't journal when things are bad....and they are bad. We are back in the ER with mom. Slowly throughout the day, she has become more despondent and weak. She hasn't had a BM in 12 days....I told her tonight I was putting it on the prayer chain if she didn't.....you are reading about it so you know what to pray for. She almost fell getting out of the bathtub and collapsed shortly after. She told me to call an ambulance..but we got her here ourselves.

As I sit here in the floor (those who know me well know that's where I go for comfort), I have been amazed with the observation of cancer.....it crosses all boundaries...race, gender, age, social position, socioeconomic status, geographic location....it doesn't discriminate. Isn't it amazing that something as evil as cancer will eagerly reach out to everyone....yet we, as a nation, as a world and sometimes as followers of Christ cannot touch our fellow man as eagerly as cancer.

I watch the tenderness exchanged between caregivers and the patient with cancer. I smile knowingly at the grownup children standing watch over their beloved mom or dad....ready like me waiting for the opportunity to slay a dragon we cannot tangibly feel. It's difficult to see one of the people in this world who love and have loved you unconditionally taken to their knees. I see friends with friends.... I see some who are alone.....my how strong they must be to be able to face this disease alone. I pray for them....pray that they know Christ who will comfort them...no one should be alone through this. I observe some of the roughest of the rough tenderly reach over and whisper "I love you, mamma.". Everyone has a mamma. I observe the couples,again. I am always intrigued by them. You know which ones I mean....they are the couples we usually see at the store, restaurants, church...and if we are lucky in our own parents....couples who complete each other. The tenderness, the extra touches and patience...yet, if you look closely here there is sadness...sadness of life interrupted, sadness of the weakening of ones health but not of ones love. This breaks my heart.

No matter how this ends tonight, I have no regrets. I have done what God has asked me to do......willingly I have laid everything at His feet. This world is not our home. I didn't get it totally until now. I have no desire to hang in a world that revels in darkness, that embraces evil, that chooses pain over love. Before I get a million phone calls regarding my being suicidal, please know that is not what this is...this is me realizing that I wil continue to walk God's path for me as long as He deems necessary but I will be eagerly awaiting His return. I was meant to be here with my mother. I was prepared for this day.

I pray for strength for my mom. I pray for wisdom for the doctors and I pray for time. See, I'm not ready to lose her yet. Our manna needs to come home.