URGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

First morning of chemo....we were all up all night and couldn't sleep.  Mom sick to her stomach, my sick to mine (which I am never) and a bundle of nervous energy.  It's odd....it's almost like we all sense this impending something...but noone knows what the impending something is...its not the elephant in the room, that's out in the open.  Not sure what it is....However, I believe I just earned myself the worst daughter of the year award.  Mom has taken on this feable persona....and for those who know my mother...she is NOT feable  not even close to and frankly she is not.  But in her mind she has decided that she will die and soon...typically, our perception becomes reality if we aren't careful.....  She has herself so worked up that her blood pressure was 178/94 before the chemo...she was throwing up and almost fell walking two steps from her wheelchair to the bed and barely tried to catch herself.  Granted she does have cancer, but she is NOT that weak anymore.  She was about 4 weeks ago but not now.  I told her she needed to get it together she was acting like someone about to die and she said I didn't know how she was.  And I told her that she wasn't trying to fight this.  That if she was going to act beaten then she might as well be and let's call it now and go home to die.  She took her jacket off and told dad to put if over my head...to which I replied that I was leaving the area and she could call me when she decided she wanted to fight this.